A very merry 80s Christmas poem

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the web
Not a 80s star was stirring -- their careers nearly dead.
The police reports were searched and looked at with care,
In hopes that Boy George or George Michael would be there.
The punk-rockers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While bruises from slam-dancing showed on their heads.
And mamma with her Stoli, and I with Bacardi,
Had just punished our livers with a long winter's party.
When on one of the blogs there arose such a clatter,
I awoke from my stupor to see what was the matter.
Away to the computer I flew like a flash,
Nearly stepping on last night's cigar and a bowl full of ash.
Past the photos of breasts, of celebrities with blow.
Taken by the paparazzi who stoop so very low.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But rumors of a reunion, after so many years.
A bespectacled director, so full of the muse,
I knew in a moment it must be John Hughes.
More rapid than eagles his co-stars they came,
And he whistled, and berated, and called them by name!
"Now Molly! now, Rob Lowe! now, Judd and Ally!
On, Demi! On, Emilio! On Andrew McCarthy!
Quit your TV shows! Stop the Broadway!
It's back to Hollywood right away!"
And then, like an echo, I heard from afar
The infamous movie lines from those 80s stars.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Mr. Hughes came with a bound.
He was dressed in a trenchcoat, from his head to his foot,
His Chicago Cubs t-shirt tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of scripts he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an agent or celebrity hack.
His eyes -- how they glared! Face pale as a bone.
He must have read my old blog item on "Home Alone!"
His droll little mouth -- lips straight as a ruler,
Oh god, he knows of that sequel to "Ferris Bueller!"
A typewriter and blank pages he held tight in his hands,
An iPod blared only music from old New Wave bands.
He had a long face and no trace of a gut,
He's no Santa afterall, he's just in a rut!
He was surly and short, a right cranky old elf,
But I asked for an autograph, in spite of myself!
A rolling of his eyes and a dip of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had plenty to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Finishing a script, then calling me a jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his limo, told his driver 'Find a pub!'
And away they all drove like the end of Breakfast Club.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas 80s fans, and to all a good-night!"

RETRO-REVIEW: 1984's The Last Starfighter

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1984's "The Last Starfighter,"   starring Lance Guest, Catherine Mary Stewart and Robert Preston. Directed by Nick Castle (The Boy Who Could Fly, Tap). It was one of the first films to take advantage of computer graphics for entire segments of the movie. In 2004, it was converted to stage in an off-Broadway production.

THE PLOT: A teenager stuck living in a trailer park (Guest) finds that his videogaming skills are highly prized elsewhere in the universe when he's recruited to defend an alien race against invaders. But will he leave his girlfriend (Stewart) and family to pursue his destiny?

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Lance Guest played the part of "Jack" in the Kristy McNichol film, "Just the Way You Are." Guest falls for McNichol before meeting her in person and realizing she's handicapped. (Come on, Jack!)

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: This was the final film appearance for Robert Preston, who died in 1987 of lung cancer. Best known to 80s fans for his role in "Victor/Victoria," Preston based his "Starfighter" role  of "Centauri  " on his 1962 performance of "Professor Harold Hill" in "The Music Man."

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "The Last Starfighter is not a terrifically original movie. The video game concept seems inspired by Walt Disney's TRON, and the battles in space are such close copies of the Star Wars movies that George Lucas might have a lawsuit." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

WHY WE LIKE IT ANYWAY: The aliens are more human than those living on Earth, especially movie critics it seems. And without sounding like too much of a wuss, there's great romantic juice between Guest and Stewart (who would go on star in "Night of the Comet," "Weekend at Bernie's" and "Mischief.") Hell, if Guest had left her behind on earth, I'd be living with "Maggie" now at the "Star Lite Trailer Park!"

TOP 5 LINES FROM THE LAST STARFIGHTER:

5. "Back to sleep, Louis, or I'm telling Mom about your Playboys!"

4. "Woo! All right! We're being invaded!"

3. "Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada."

2. "Sorry, I didn't mean to step on your, uh, whatever that is."

1. "You're on Rylos, my boy! Stop thinking human."