The Best 80s Thanksgiving Movie

 

Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, and so our minds turn to ... John Candy and Steve Martin?

That's right, the only 80s Thanksgiving movie worth thinking about is "Planes, Trains and Automobiles. And give thanks for another top 5 list. (This one is a little unusual.)

TOP FIVE "BUTT-CENTRIC" QUOTES FROM PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES:

5. "I'm afraid to look at my ass. There'll be griddle marks."

4. "We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak."

3. "If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs."

2. "St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass."

1. "Those aren't pillows!"

Tom Cruise as Hugh Hefner?

The word out of Hollywood is that Tom Cruise is at the top of the list to portray Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner in an upcoming bio-pic.

The Celebrity News Service quotes as insider as saying, "Tom knows of Hugh's colorful past and thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen. He also thinks the role would be a challenge for him, and would remind people of his versatility as an actor. At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too."

This is shocking news. No, not that Tom wants to play Hefner. But that a "Celebrity News Service" actually exists.

Seriously though, is anyone really going to green-light Tom playing that role? If he does, I'll have to re-arrange the following list.

TOP FIVE MOST UNREALISTIC PERFORMANCES BY TOM CRUISE

5. Losin' It (1983): Jackie Earle Haley makes this a great movie. Cruise and Shelley Long transform it into an average one.

4. Legend (1985): If the Lord of Darkness wants to kill unicorns, Tom Cruise isn't the guy I'm sending in there to make things right.

3. The Firm (1993): You can dress him down and muss up his hair, but you still can't buy into Cruise as John Grisham's hero.

2. Far and Away (1992) and Days of Thunder (1990): Cruise and Nicole Kidman on screen together is pretty painful -- even without the fake Irish accents or NASCAR driving.

1. Mr. Katie Holmes: Happy first anniversary, Tom and Katie. Now will someone please step forward and tell us it's all a big practical joke.

Sixteen Candles is the superior teen flick

Rarely do you find a weekly magazine that panders to the 80s nation, but this week a small door in the space-time continuum opened. Entertainment Weekly has a dead-on fun piece comparing 80s classics "Pretty in Pink" with "Sixteen Candles." (Click here to read it.)

Writer Dalton Ross makes the argument -- and a damn fine one -- that "Sixteen Candles" is the superior teen flick.  And he doesn't just fling around a couple cute movie quotes and shut the door. Ross breaks down every angle in true Stuck in the 80s fashion. For example:

Farmer Ted (Anthony Michael Hall) vs. Duckie (Jon Cryer): Duckie is a sympathetic character, he writes, but "[Hall] is responsible for no less than a hundred classic moments," from charging to see panties, hijacking the prom queen to his mastery of making a martini.

Jake Ryan vs. Blane: Andrew McCarthy's Blane "has no backbone, dresses lame, and has an even lamer haircut." Meanwhile Jake Ryan (played by the sadly retired Michael Schoeffling) is everything a girl should want. "Even I have a bit of a man crush on the dude," Ross gushes.

Thompson Twins vs. OMD: Here, I think Ross goes too far, proclaiming "If You Were Here" by the Twins as the superior movie-ending music. Bah! "If You Leave" is one of the true classic tunes of the 80s movie soundtracks (easily tied for first with "Don't You Forget About Me" from Breakfast Club.)

But Ross's heart is in the right place. Now, if he'll just go on the record proclaiming "Weird Science" as the ultimate John Hughes movie, we're all set.

Come on, you scuzzy data, be in there!

The quest to build the ultimate list of Most Quotable Lines from 80s Movies continues -- with much rejoicing. This has got to be the most enjoyable list to put together. Lots of the old standards coming back to life.

But where are all the sci-fi movie lines? Surely you haven't forgotten the magnetism of Blade Runner or the charisma of James T. Kirk.

Here are some 80s sci-fi lines to consider for our list:

• "Judge me by my size, do you?" (The Empire Strikes Back)"Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it?" (Blade Runner)
• "Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead." (Star Trek 2)
• "Game over, man, game over!" (Aliens)
• "Terrific. I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax." (The Last Starfighter)
• "Come on, you scuzzy data, be in there." (Tron)
• "Bloodshed is my life." (Explorers)
• "Khhaaaaan!" (Star Trek 2)
• "Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder." (The Empire Strikes Back)
• "Time to die!" (Blade Runner)
• "Now witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL battle station!" (Return of the Jedi)
• "Greetings, Program!" (Tron)
• "Call me Snake." (Escape from New York)
• "Flash, Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!" (Flash Gordon)
• "The sleeper has awakened!" (Dune)

Mickey Rourke: 'Innate respect for the insane'

 

Mickey Rourke, renaissance man. Our man Mickey -- who's gone from actor to boxer to ummm ... well, we loved your movies! -- was arrested Thursday morning in Miami Beach on suspicion of driving under the influence, according to the Associated Press.

Pulled over while making some erratic moves on his green scooter, Rourke "had a flushed face and bloodshot, watery eyes, his speech was slurred, and he had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath," the police report said. He failed field sobriety and blood alcohol tests, according to the report.

I'm not going to sully the man any further, because Rourke was a god in the 80s. If he wants to pull a "Nick Nolte" once in a while, he's entitled. Just next time, spring for a designated scooter driver.

TOP 5 MICKEY ROURKE FLICKS OF THE 80s:

5. Rumble Fish (1983): "Even the most primitive of societies have an innate respect for the insane."

4. The Pope of Greenwich Village (1984): "This might be your church, right now I'm the Pope of Greenwich Village 'cause I got the tape alright?"

3. Diner (1982): "If you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you got nightmares."

2. Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986): "I saw myself in you."

1. Barfly (1987): "Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."

Is your Bryan Adams hanging out?

I have a theory about Bryan Adams: His music is on the radio just regularly enough that you don't really notice it unless someone points it out. (And when they do, it can be embarrassing -- sorta like having your zipper down.)

So my friends and I once came up with the code "Your Bryan Adams is hanging out" -- we'd say that anytime we left his music play unknowingly on the radio. (Of course, that was their way of saying change the channel. But I sorta dig Adams, so I let it "hang out.")

I first caught Adams at the Rock n' Roll Superbowl in Orlando's Citrus Bowl back on March 20, 1982 (you'll see in a minute why I remember the date). In those days, the antiquated stadium hosted annual rock festivals. That day, Adams was the opening act. The only song anyone recognized was "Lonely Nights." He played his half hour set then made way for a bunch of better-known bands, including Foreigner, still fresh off their success from 1981's "4" album.

Ozzy Osbourne was supposed to be the real attraction that day, but his guitarist Randy Rhoads died the day before the show when a small plane he was flying in crashed. Ozzy canceled his appearance and Pat Travers ("Boom, boom! Out go the lights!) stepped in to take his place.

Adams turns 48 years old today. These days, Adams has been playing Europe and Asia. I hope he gets back to Florida sometime soon. But this time, let's hope everyone in the lineup just sticks to driving.

TOP 5 BRYAN ADAMS SONGS OF THE 80s:

5. Heaven: "Love is all that I need, and I found it there in your heart."

4. Somebody: "The winners are losers. You see it every night."

3. One Night Love Affair: "I never thought that I'd be touchin' you."

2. Lonely Nights: "With every breath you're takin', you're thinkin' of ways to say good night."

1. Summer of '69: "Those were the best days of my life."

Duran Duran new album Red Carpet Massacre

 

Reviews of the Duran Duran's run of intimate concerts on Broadway are starting to trickle out, and the reaction from critics is a bit subdued.

The lads from Birmingham, England, are playing their new album -- Red Carpet Massacre -- start to finish to open each show. Then they launch into a short set of electronica before finishing with a set of the old favorites.

The Hartford Courant, which reviewed a few warm-up shows, said "while it's refreshing to see a veteran band so excited about its new material, hitting the audience with a straight hour of unfamiliar music seems an unnecessary gamble."

Some of the new songs "feature the same throbbing keyboards and robo-funk beats that have spelled smash for Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado, and even Britney Spears," the Courant writes.

OK, that's probably good news for fans below the age of 23. But I'm guessing the rest of us are shaking our heads. Let's hope they shake up the set list before taking this act on the road.

Fast Times on TV? Fat chance

The cable channel American Movie Classics is playing "Fast Times at Ridgemont High" this afternoon. Normally, any showing of the movie is cause for celebration (and for the fake stomach flu, so that I can go home and watch).

But few things in life cause flu-like symptoms like watching a largely censored version of this 1982 classic on television. What would you miss? Plenty!

FOUR-LETTER WORDS THAT START WITH D: You miss Sean Penn's ultimate expletive to Mr. Hand. On regular TV, expect Spicoli to say something like "You doofus!" (I've also heard "dillweed") Not the same knock-down power.

NO PHOEBE: The infamous Phoebe Cates topless scene at the pool comes to mind next. (Rumor has it that video store owners say their old tapes of that scene have tracking errors on that scene -- where kids used to pause the scene for anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes.)

YOUNG LOVE: Speaking of sadly abbreviated time frames, there's also Mike Damone's 5- to 10-second scene with Stacy in the pool changing room. You'll be missing that today too.

My advice? Stay at work a little extra today. Use the overtime to go buy the special-edition DVD. Because if you're here, and I'm here, isn't this really our time?

The kids are still hot tonight

 

Just when you needed another fresh injection of 80s rock, Loverboy is here with a new album.

"Just Getting Started" is the name of the new album -- the band's first is more than 10 years. It will be released Nov. 6 initially in an exclusive deal with Wal-Mart.

I've been listening to the new disc for a couple weeks now, and it's a much-overdue blast of pure Canadian 80s rock. Vocalist Mike Reno's voice sounds fully recharged and he really seems energized by the new material.

The first song the band recorded -- "Stranded" -- is actually the last song on the disc. The song is written as an ode to Scott Smith, the band's former bassist who was lost at sea while sailing in 2000.

The 10 songs still feature the guitar-and-keyboards barrage and working class lyrics that made the band so accessible to fans during their hey-day. Highlights on the disc include the hard-rocking title track and the 9-to-5 anthem "One Of Them Days."

"I love the way it sounds. I love the album cover. I love the fact that we're almost giving it away," vocalist Mike Reno told a Canadian newspaper. "I love the fact that we're giving half-price downloads on most of the download systems. And I'm perfectly aware that more than half of the people in the world will steal it. I'm happy with all of that."