A very merry 80s Christmas poem

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the web
Not a 80s star was stirring -- their careers nearly dead.
The police reports were searched and looked at with care,
In hopes that Boy George or George Michael would be there.
The punk-rockers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While bruises from slam-dancing showed on their heads.
And mamma with her Stoli, and I with Bacardi,
Had just punished our livers with a long winter's party.
When on one of the blogs there arose such a clatter,
I awoke from my stupor to see what was the matter.
Away to the computer I flew like a flash,
Nearly stepping on last night's cigar and a bowl full of ash.
Past the photos of breasts, of celebrities with blow.
Taken by the paparazzi who stoop so very low.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But rumors of a reunion, after so many years.
A bespectacled director, so full of the muse,
I knew in a moment it must be John Hughes.
More rapid than eagles his co-stars they came,
And he whistled, and berated, and called them by name!
"Now Molly! now, Rob Lowe! now, Judd and Ally!
On, Demi! On, Emilio! On Andrew McCarthy!
Quit your TV shows! Stop the Broadway!
It's back to Hollywood right away!"
And then, like an echo, I heard from afar
The infamous movie lines from those 80s stars.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Mr. Hughes came with a bound.
He was dressed in a trenchcoat, from his head to his foot,
His Chicago Cubs t-shirt tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bundle of scripts he had flung on his back,
And he looked like an agent or celebrity hack.
His eyes -- how they glared! Face pale as a bone.
He must have read my old blog item on "Home Alone!"
His droll little mouth -- lips straight as a ruler,
Oh god, he knows of that sequel to "Ferris Bueller!"
A typewriter and blank pages he held tight in his hands,
An iPod blared only music from old New Wave bands.
He had a long face and no trace of a gut,
He's no Santa afterall, he's just in a rut!
He was surly and short, a right cranky old elf,
But I asked for an autograph, in spite of myself!
A rolling of his eyes and a dip of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had plenty to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Finishing a script, then calling me a jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his limo, told his driver 'Find a pub!'
And away they all drove like the end of Breakfast Club.
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas 80s fans, and to all a good-night!"

RETRO-REVIEW: 1984's The Last Starfighter

TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: 1984's "The Last Starfighter,"   starring Lance Guest, Catherine Mary Stewart and Robert Preston. Directed by Nick Castle (The Boy Who Could Fly, Tap). It was one of the first films to take advantage of computer graphics for entire segments of the movie. In 2004, it was converted to stage in an off-Broadway production.

THE PLOT: A teenager stuck living in a trailer park (Guest) finds that his videogaming skills are highly prized elsewhere in the universe when he's recruited to defend an alien race against invaders. But will he leave his girlfriend (Stewart) and family to pursue his destiny?

MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: Lance Guest played the part of "Jack" in the Kristy McNichol film, "Just the Way You Are." Guest falls for McNichol before meeting her in person and realizing she's handicapped. (Come on, Jack!)

SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: This was the final film appearance for Robert Preston, who died in 1987 of lung cancer. Best known to 80s fans for his role in "Victor/Victoria," Preston based his "Starfighter" role  of "Centauri  " on his 1962 performance of "Professor Harold Hill" in "The Music Man."

WHAT THE CRITICS SAID: "The Last Starfighter is not a terrifically original movie. The video game concept seems inspired by Walt Disney's TRON, and the battles in space are such close copies of the Star Wars movies that George Lucas might have a lawsuit." -- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

WHY WE LIKE IT ANYWAY: The aliens are more human than those living on Earth, especially movie critics it seems. And without sounding like too much of a wuss, there's great romantic juice between Guest and Stewart (who would go on star in "Night of the Comet," "Weekend at Bernie's" and "Mischief.") Hell, if Guest had left her behind on earth, I'd be living with "Maggie" now at the "Star Lite Trailer Park!"

TOP 5 LINES FROM THE LAST STARFIGHTER:

5. "Back to sleep, Louis, or I'm telling Mom about your Playboys!"

4. "Woo! All right! We're being invaded!"

3. "Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the frontier against Xur and the Ko-Dan armada."

2. "Sorry, I didn't mean to step on your, uh, whatever that is."

1. "You're on Rylos, my boy! Stop thinking human."

The Best 80s Thanksgiving Movie

 

Thanksgiving is nearly upon us, and so our minds turn to ... John Candy and Steve Martin?

That's right, the only 80s Thanksgiving movie worth thinking about is "Planes, Trains and Automobiles. And give thanks for another top 5 list. (This one is a little unusual.)

TOP FIVE "BUTT-CENTRIC" QUOTES FROM PLANES, TRAINS AND AUTOMOBILES:

5. "I'm afraid to look at my ass. There'll be griddle marks."

4. "We'd have more luck playing pickup sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak."

3. "If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs."

2. "St. Louis to Chi-town is booked tighter than Tom Thumb's ass."

1. "Those aren't pillows!"

Tom Cruise as Hugh Hefner?

The word out of Hollywood is that Tom Cruise is at the top of the list to portray Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner in an upcoming bio-pic.

The Celebrity News Service quotes as insider as saying, "Tom knows of Hugh's colorful past and thinks he would be the perfect person to bring it to the big screen. He also thinks the role would be a challenge for him, and would remind people of his versatility as an actor. At the moment people are concentrating on his personal life, and his marriage to Katie - but he wants to remind them that he can act too."

This is shocking news. No, not that Tom wants to play Hefner. But that a "Celebrity News Service" actually exists.

Seriously though, is anyone really going to green-light Tom playing that role? If he does, I'll have to re-arrange the following list.

TOP FIVE MOST UNREALISTIC PERFORMANCES BY TOM CRUISE

5. Losin' It (1983): Jackie Earle Haley makes this a great movie. Cruise and Shelley Long transform it into an average one.

4. Legend (1985): If the Lord of Darkness wants to kill unicorns, Tom Cruise isn't the guy I'm sending in there to make things right.

3. The Firm (1993): You can dress him down and muss up his hair, but you still can't buy into Cruise as John Grisham's hero.

2. Far and Away (1992) and Days of Thunder (1990): Cruise and Nicole Kidman on screen together is pretty painful -- even without the fake Irish accents or NASCAR driving.

1. Mr. Katie Holmes: Happy first anniversary, Tom and Katie. Now will someone please step forward and tell us it's all a big practical joke.

Sixteen Candles is the superior teen flick

Rarely do you find a weekly magazine that panders to the 80s nation, but this week a small door in the space-time continuum opened. Entertainment Weekly has a dead-on fun piece comparing 80s classics "Pretty in Pink" with "Sixteen Candles." (Click here to read it.)

Writer Dalton Ross makes the argument -- and a damn fine one -- that "Sixteen Candles" is the superior teen flick.  And he doesn't just fling around a couple cute movie quotes and shut the door. Ross breaks down every angle in true Stuck in the 80s fashion. For example:

Farmer Ted (Anthony Michael Hall) vs. Duckie (Jon Cryer): Duckie is a sympathetic character, he writes, but "[Hall] is responsible for no less than a hundred classic moments," from charging to see panties, hijacking the prom queen to his mastery of making a martini.

Jake Ryan vs. Blane: Andrew McCarthy's Blane "has no backbone, dresses lame, and has an even lamer haircut." Meanwhile Jake Ryan (played by the sadly retired Michael Schoeffling) is everything a girl should want. "Even I have a bit of a man crush on the dude," Ross gushes.

Thompson Twins vs. OMD: Here, I think Ross goes too far, proclaiming "If You Were Here" by the Twins as the superior movie-ending music. Bah! "If You Leave" is one of the true classic tunes of the 80s movie soundtracks (easily tied for first with "Don't You Forget About Me" from Breakfast Club.)

But Ross's heart is in the right place. Now, if he'll just go on the record proclaiming "Weird Science" as the ultimate John Hughes movie, we're all set.

Come on, you scuzzy data, be in there!

The quest to build the ultimate list of Most Quotable Lines from 80s Movies continues -- with much rejoicing. This has got to be the most enjoyable list to put together. Lots of the old standards coming back to life.

But where are all the sci-fi movie lines? Surely you haven't forgotten the magnetism of Blade Runner or the charisma of James T. Kirk.

Here are some 80s sci-fi lines to consider for our list:

• "Judge me by my size, do you?" (The Empire Strikes Back)"Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it?" (Blade Runner)
• "Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes or we're all dead." (Star Trek 2)
• "Game over, man, game over!" (Aliens)
• "Terrific. I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax." (The Last Starfighter)
• "Come on, you scuzzy data, be in there." (Tron)
• "Bloodshed is my life." (Explorers)
• "Khhaaaaan!" (Star Trek 2)
• "Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder." (The Empire Strikes Back)
• "Time to die!" (Blade Runner)
• "Now witness the firepower of this fully ARMED and OPERATIONAL battle station!" (Return of the Jedi)
• "Greetings, Program!" (Tron)
• "Call me Snake." (Escape from New York)
• "Flash, Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!" (Flash Gordon)
• "The sleeper has awakened!" (Dune)

Mickey Rourke: 'Innate respect for the insane'

 

Mickey Rourke, renaissance man. Our man Mickey -- who's gone from actor to boxer to ummm ... well, we loved your movies! -- was arrested Thursday morning in Miami Beach on suspicion of driving under the influence, according to the Associated Press.

Pulled over while making some erratic moves on his green scooter, Rourke "had a flushed face and bloodshot, watery eyes, his speech was slurred, and he had a strong odor of alcohol on his breath," the police report said. He failed field sobriety and blood alcohol tests, according to the report.

I'm not going to sully the man any further, because Rourke was a god in the 80s. If he wants to pull a "Nick Nolte" once in a while, he's entitled. Just next time, spring for a designated scooter driver.

TOP 5 MICKEY ROURKE FLICKS OF THE 80s:

5. Rumble Fish (1983): "Even the most primitive of societies have an innate respect for the insane."

4. The Pope of Greenwich Village (1984): "This might be your church, right now I'm the Pope of Greenwich Village 'cause I got the tape alright?"

3. Diner (1982): "If you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you got nightmares."

2. Nine 1/2 Weeks (1986): "I saw myself in you."

1. Barfly (1987): "Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."